I JUST GOT KICKED OFF LINKEDIN – FOR JOKING ABOUT LINKEDIN

Updated 7:50 pm August 22. See end of post.

Last week, I created a LinkedIn account. I’ve resisted that for a long time, because as my LinkedIn headline said…

I want nothing from you. Obviously, I’m doing this wrong.

And as I explained in my profile…

I’m not selling or buying anything. I guess I just want to meet other journalists or journalism consumers who feel slightly out of phase with the world like I do.

We’ll need to help each other, because if you’re like me, LinkedIn is a scary clique of desperate people who write things like this (which is real, by the way): “Process innovator with a track record of developing value added tools and procedure that improve service quality.”

I don’t understand what that means. I hope I never have to.

Last Thursday, only two days after I posted that, I couldn’t log in. Instead of my profile…

…a stark white screen said, “You account has been restricted” because “we detected behavior that violates our terms of service.”

Obviously, I never read those terms of service. I’m an American.

Like most Americans, I don’t read anything boring until I absolutely have to. So way too late, I reviewed LinkedIn’s User Agreement. But it didn’t really help.

Was I “being dishonest, abusive or discriminatory”? Did I “post inaccurate, defamatory obscene, shocking, hateful, threatening or otherwise inappropriate content”?

I didn’t think so, but I wasn’t sure. So I asked.

How to appeal a LinkedIn ban

I clicked the big blue box underneath, “Your account has been restricted” and verified I was me. Then I was prompted to “Please explain why you believe that the account restriction is in error.”

I smiled at that. How can I explain to LinkedIn what LinkedIn hasn’t explained to me?

So I replied, “I can no longer log on. I don’t know why. No information was provided me.”

Yesterday, I got this reply from a “Linkedin Safety Operations Support Specialist.” His name is, and I’m not making this up, Jarvis. No last name.

If I wasn’t for getting booted for no stated reason, I’d give LinkedIn credit for being funny. But I bet there’s actually a humorless “Linkedin Safety Operations Support Specialist” with that name.

Anyway, Jarvis replied to me, in total…

Due to multiple User Agreement violations and the nature of the inappropriate content associated with these violations, this account has been permanently restricted.

So I replied…

Hey Jarvis, could you be a little more specific? What did I do that was “inappropriate”? And by “permanently restricted,” do you mean I can’t ever get back on LinkedIn? Like, ever? Even if I apologize and promise never to do again whatever it is I did?

Talk about the punishment not fitting the crime. Anyway, I’m still waiting to her back from Jarvis. In the meantime…

Here’s the funny part

For the past four years, I’ve had this LinkedIn profile…

…which is totally made up. It violates multiple parts of LinkedIn’s terms of service.

1. “Use your real name on your profile.” If Jarvis can’t figure out that Miranda Reitz is a fake name, he has no intelligence, real or artificial.

2. “Use an image that is not your likeness or a head-shot photo for your profile.” The profile photo is from an old clip-art book I found in the trash at my first newspaper job.

3. “Provide accurate information to us and keep it updated.” I listed Miranda’s occupation as “infotainer,” which isn’t a real thing. Also: I don’t live in Boca Raton, I don’t take classes at Florida Atlantic University, and I’ve never updated the profile. Not once since 2013.

What happens next

I created that fake LinkedIn account so I could keep tabs on some pals who have since drifted away. Now that I’ve been “permanently restricted,” I got nothing to lose. So I want to go out in style.

Now, I hate trolls. But I have no ethical problem being a gnat in the face of a multinational corporation with 6,000 employees in 30 cities around the globe and annual revenue of more than $100 million.

So if anyone has ideas for how I can further offend LinkedIn in my fake profile, I’m all ears. I only got one shot at this before I hear from Jarvis again.

UPDATE

Jarvis emailed me back. He’s a (man?) of few words…

Under section 8 of the User Agreement, you agree that you won’t misrepresent your identity or post inaccurate profile information.

I replied at 7:50 pm…

I’m not trying to be difficult, so can you tell me: How did I misrepresent myself? What was inaccurate? Can you be specific? And if I fix it, there’s no coming back from that? It’s a mortal sin? Also, is your name really Jarvis?

Never heard back. I’m locked out of LinkedIn.

17Comments

Add yours

1

Gaia Girl on Aug 22, 2017 at 8:36 am

I reported your fake account to LinkedIn,

https://www.linkedin.com/help/linkedin/answer/61664/reporting-fake-profiles?lang=en
2

Koretzky on Aug 22, 2017 at 9:02 am

Why would you do that?
- 3
  
  Gaia Girl on Aug 22, 2017 at 9:51 am
  
  Because you are acting like a 12 year old.
- 4
  
  Koretzky on Aug 22, 2017 at 9:59 am
  
  How old are you acting?
- 5
  
  Gaia Girl on Aug 22, 2017 at 10:53 am
  
  You are offended that your effort to offend is being prevented? What a laugh riot.
- 6
  
  Koretzky on Aug 22, 2017 at 11:17 am
  
  I’m not offended – it’s a fake LinkedIn account, not my real bank account. I’m just curious why you’d burn calories Googling how to report a fake profile and then actually do it. Seems like a lot of effort for something that doesn’t affect you. Unless, of course, your real name is Miranda Reitz. In that case, I’d be pissed, too.
7

Lucille FP Siegler on Aug 22, 2017 at 9:25 am

Or it could have been the terrorist part of your name. Just my thought in this day and age where free speech is censored.

Lucille

On Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 7:28 AM, journoterrorist wrote:

> Koretzky posted: “Last week, I created a LinkedIn account. I’ve resisted > that for a long time, because as my LinkedIn headline said… I want > nothing from you. Obviously, I’m doing this wrong. And as I explained in my > profile… I’m not selling or buying anything.” >
8

Jade Walker (@jadewalker) on Aug 22, 2017 at 9:26 am

Hmmm… Based on the profile screenshot, I’m guessing it’s because you didn’t post an actual picture and for using the word “journoterrorist.” Ten bucks says their computers scan for troublesome keywords and then automatically block those profiles until a human can determine if they’re legit.

If an actual terrorist was using the site for networking, do you think he’d include that as his title? Wouldn’t he just come up with something innocuous like “consultant” or “entrepreneur”?
9

Suz on Aug 22, 2017 at 10:22 am

Isn’t “Jarvis” the name of Iron Man’s suit? 🙂
- 10
  
  Koretzky on Aug 22, 2017 at 4:52 pm
  
  The AI that runs the suit. Otherwise, it’d be like calling an orange peel an orange.
11

Vengeance shall be yours! on Aug 22, 2017 at 12:30 pm

For your fake profile trolling, why not change the photo to the linkedin founder (https://goo.gl/29qJYN) and then describe yourself as the owner of a human-drug trafficking pedophile ring that hooks little kids on meth and makes snuff films, then sells the corpses to necrophiliacs?
- 12
  
  Koretzky on Aug 22, 2017 at 4:54 pm
  
  Holy shit, you’re a scary individual. Points for creativity, points off for lack of humanity.
13

Just Me on Aug 22, 2017 at 5:10 pm

Well, if you wanted to make your profile more real, you could send me a job offer for “one of your clients” that my skillset totally doesn’t match and then offer me submarket terms?
Because I mostly have linkedin to read that kind of stuff.
- 14
  
  Koretzky on Aug 22, 2017 at 7:55 pm
  
  Your droll sense of humor appeals to me more than the comment above yours, which isn’t as funny as it is creepy.
15

AIB PT on Jan 20, 2018 at 8:10 am

Kudos mate…Best prank of YR2017 so sad I missed your post back then.
16

Anonymous on Jan 27, 2018 at 9:37 am

I absolutely agree with you, Michael.
This ‘permanently restricted’ bull* happened to my friend as well.
And fuck LinkedIn until they use their monopoly position to play with people’s lives. My friend’s fault was “excessive activity detected on your account” because she increased her connections too fast. The bastards offered countless time their paid services which allows “unlimited searches/connections/day” but it’s too bloody expensive at over $40/month and minimum 12 months subscription. So… fuck ’em again… my friend got her “illegal account” after a few weeks of waiting time. 😉
Sell the fuckin’ subscription cheaper and give people a chance.
Bloody Facebook ain’t that pushy to make you a paying customer but the bloody LinkedIn. Gosh, I hate ’em badly but I need to use ’em, bastards for career reasons. Come on, world, someone set up an alternative already!!!!
17

Anonymous on Jan 27, 2018 at 9:39 am

PS
By the way, “RULE BREAKING BABE”, Miranda Reitz is still happy on LinkedIn. Good for her, the way to treat the pricks. :D:D:D